Okay. I know I said I wasn’t going to post anything new until I finished up the rest of the drafts I have started but there’s something weighing on my mind. Besides, I’m down to just 4 drafts left anyway. As my kids say, “easy – peasy”!
There’s a misconception surrounding some things in my life. Most people assume that because I’m the one who filed for divorce that it didn’t bother me at all to actually go through it. That’s false in so many ways that that topic alone would be enough fodder for one post in and of itself so I’m not going into it here. What I am going to dwell on this time around are some things I have learned in the last 2.5 years since it was final, most especially the last 6 months or so.
Have you ever notice that it’s so easy to do many things by ourselves but when it comes to church most people cop out because they don’t want to be alone?
Late last summer and into the fall God told me that the boys and I need to be back at Rhema for church. More often than not last year we were not in church which truly bothered me. Between my insane work and school schedules, E’s soccer schedule, and the fact we live 45 minutes to an hour away from most churches the boys like we were rarely able to go. I told God that if He really wanted us back at Rhema He needed to provide the time and a job that gave me that time and would still let me raise my boys.
The holiday season drew closer and if you know anything about being a photographer you know that any holiday is going to be crazy, especially Christmas. Rather than getting more time to be able to drive into Broken Arrow I was working more and more. Between school and work I think my parents saw so much more of my kids than I did. I can’t even begin to count the number of times I would come home only to hug and kiss them goodnight and send them to bed, an hour or two past their bedtime. At least with working for myself I could plan my hours, working for someone else put me at their beck and call and meant that I worked every holiday.
Things at work went from bad to worse. I ended up putting school on hold for the Spring 2010 semester so that my girls at work (and my customers) would have some stability with all the changes that were happening. We lost 1 manager to maternity leave and 1 to a job transfer. In the midst of all of the details involved things got so bad that I was given no choice but to give my notice and leave. No, I wasn’t fired. I just would have spent more money on babysitters than I would have made which is not a good thing. So, I left. On the same day I left so did two of my girls and what had been a fantastically great thing came to an end.
Right around the same time all of this was happening, I interviewed for a job working with my best friend. Several days later I went back for a second interview and was hired. All in all, I spent about 5 days in between jobs and felt like I’d had a mini-vacation. I got to go to nearly all of Winter Bible Seminar which was a huge thing. with my new job, I’m working more of a M-F “bankers hours” schedule so to speak. I also somehow managed to join the choir part of the Easter production “The Choice” performed at Rhema over Easter weekend – mainly so my oldest son could also be in the play.
Since January the boys and I have been back at Rhema. It wasn’t easy going alone at first and still isn’t super easy but I’m getting used to it. I’ve met some very nice people over the last few months. And with a church as big as Rhema it’s very easy to sit in the same place every service and yet not see the same people around you twice.
I have always been a people person, for as long as I can remember anyway. But with the divorce I learned not only some things about myself but who my real friends were/are. In short, my world became very small. I’ve spent the last 2.5 years or so raising my boys and figuring out me, trying to at least. Figuring out when I was most happy and the things that I like to do because I like them not because everyone else does and I tolerate them. One of things the struck me as a “happy time” was volunteering in church, both at Rhema and Victory. That was when I was most “me”.
But, the “me” now has been afraid to go back to the “me” then because that means stepping out of my little world that I’ve become so comfortable in. Taking that huge step and getting back to the basics, going home so to speak. Rhema is after all the reason my family moved to Oklahoma to begin with. I was content, too content, and would have just kept going on the same path I had been on. Not destructive or anything like that just complacent and settled.
But, I did it. I took the huge step of getting out of myself and stepping back onto familiar territory surrounded by unfamiliar faces. I did it because God said to. And you know what, I’m so much happier now that I’m “home” and my kids actually enjoy going to church. God knows what He’s talking about!